


To Remember

by hellbentiero



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Break Up, Falling Out of Love, Heartbreak, Long-Distance Relationship, Long-Term Relationship(s), Lovesick Frank Iero, M/M, basically love doesnt always survive the distance, i was sad i am sorry, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:53:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14949731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellbentiero/pseuds/hellbentiero
Summary: What damage could one year do to two people when they've been madly in love for years and years? Frank knows now, and he will always remember everything that happened during that one year apart and how signing that contract and leaving for twelve months managed to change everything for Gerard and Frank.





	To Remember

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I do these things to myself

"Nothing is going to change."

Frank remembers the first time Gerard said these words like it was yesterday, remembers the look in Gerard's eyes that begged him to understand, remembers the fingers that brushed his cheeks, a kind gesture to ease the pain that could never be enough.

"I'd never pick anything or anyone over you."

He remembers the ache in his chest too, how he, an atheist all his life, prayed to the heavens to make it last, to make them last, for the promises to be kept, to be true.

"I'll always be here. You know that, right?"

There was a lump in his throat that choked him up and made it impossible to respond, swallowed sobs he couldn't give himself to. Frank knew he had to be strong, keep himself together because he couldn't ruin their night with his crying, his useless whining that wouldn't change a thing and only make everything harder.

"Look at me. Believe me." Frank didn't even notice he had his face buried in his hands until he heard the despair in Gerard's voice and met his gaze again, but he should have kept his eyes down because that was too much to bear. Everything in those beautiful eyes he'd fallen in love with at first sight spoke the truth, but things could change in a year.

"I'll come back to you. Only you."

That moment, he believed everything Gerard said, but how would he be able to keep the promises during all that time? Twelve months were like a lifetime. Long enough to change everything, ruin everything.

"Talk to me. Don't leave me hanging here."

Leave him hanging? He almost wanted to laugh back then. There were no words to say anyway. He'd said them all and there was no need for repetitions and nothing could fix the feeling in Frank's chest, this hole that had suddenly opened itself up out of nowhere and made it hard to breathe. "I've said everything," he whispered and his voice sounded like he hadn't used it in days. "You think nothing will change between us now, but time changes things. It changes everything."

"It won't change the way I feel about you," Gerard insisted again and they'd been through this before. "I'll always love you."

"You love me now," Frank reminded him, "but there will be other people. Other guys, other girls. Better people, people you'll have more in common with and who will be there for you when you need them." It was getting harder not to break down and his hands had started to tremble.

"I'll never want anyone else." Frank remembers the kiss after that, the kiss that turned into ten and into fifty and countless others, remembers everything from the way Gerard held him like he was made of glass that whole night when they slept together in a way more tender and fragile than they'd ever done it before because the fear had taken over both of them, but neither could speak it out loud. Neither could speak it out loud that nothing would be the same and they held on to each other like the world was about to end, tried to be as close as possible, to hold on, to feel. Frank was ashamed when he did cry as they cuddled afterwards and how soothing Gerard's embrace was, the feeling of his skin on Frank's. There were other goodbyes after that, other promises, more hope and more tears and overall the desperate wish they'd be able to make it through, but every moment was followed by the terrifying knowledge that it would be harder than anything they'd ever done, and they weren't wrong.

Days apart turned into weeks, weeks into months, and they went from the daily lengthy phone calls and video chats and a dozen texts to a quick phone call and a weekly video chat and a short text to check on the other, and after that, it only went downhill, and when Christmas came around, Frank spent the evening on his couch by himself with the dogs checking his notifications every five seconds, his heart aching so badly he thought it was going to shatter to countless pieces any moment, but Gerard never reached out for him that night and that marked the first time he really broke one of their promises, causing Frank to keep telling himself it was one time and it would be fine, but he knew it wouldn't be when Gerard called the next morning and said he'd forgotten because of a spontaneous invitation to a holiday dinner with his new friends. Their most important call yet and Gerard could casually forget about it like it was nothing, like they were nothing at this point. Back then, Frank shrugged it off, pretended it didn't feel like someone had ripped his heart from his chest to throw it into a bucket of acid, believed Gerard it would never happen again and they'd speak on New Year's, be with each other through their screens when the clock would strike midnight. He believed because he had to, because there was no way he'd give up.

They did start the new year together after all, at least kind of, their screens showing hopeful faces and lips exclaiming a hundred new promises and expressions of their love for each other, the same longing gazes lingering on the other's eyes they had shared the day of their separation, the same love and dedication that had always been there. It had lit a new spark inside of Frank that told him things would actually be okay and Gerard would come back to him after all, but that made it even worse in the end. Because Frank remembers everything, he also knows what kind of sandwich he was preparing when he received the phone call only a few weeks into the new year, how hesitant Gerard's voice sounded on the other end, how wobbly, and the bile that rose up in his throat and would make it impossible to end for the rest of the day because nobody knew Gerard better than him and he instantly knew something was horribly wrong. While Gerard struggled to find the right words, he found himself begging it would be something else, that something had happened that didn't have anything to do with them, but his heart was already falling to pieces before he even heard it. He counted the seconds back then and still knows the number now.

It took the man who was supposed to be the love of his life seventy-three seconds to finally get the grip to say it: "I've met someone."

Frank wanted so many things at the same time right then: joke about whether it was Stan Lee or the Queen, sob uncontrollably until he'd fall asleep and forget, smash his phone on the tiles under his feet, scream at the man who was supposed to love him forever because that's what he had promised. But he didn't.

"Frank, say something." Once again, there was nothing to say. No more promises, no more sweet nothings, just empty apologies, as hollow as what was left of them. Frank didn't get angry, he didn't yell although his entire world was crumbling, didn't beg although he felt as if he had nothing left in life, didn't scramble to find some hope left inside although he would have given his last breath for it, didn't ask for names and reasons although he wanted to find that person and rip their throat out right there. Again, he was too choked up to speak, let Gerard struggle for the right words that would never exist in anyone's vocabulary, let him find all the apologies in the world when nothing could ever make up for what he'd done, and when Gerard was on the verge of crying, he claimed to be understanding, admitted a part of him had expected it, pretended it wasn't killing him, held back that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the man who was leaving him for a woman he'd met at work. He didn't speak the truth and let his emotions show because he couldn't, not yet, not right there on that damn phone.

Five minutes through a pile of plastic and metal could never be enough to find an answer to the end of everything he'd truly cared about, so he chose not to look for an answer at all and keep it inside, try to grasp what was happening to him instead. But even Gerard's voice set off shockwaves in his body, so he had to hang up instead of hang on, stand in the vacant living room in endless silence for what felt like forever without the ability to move a muscle until he finally collapsed and felt the pain in hot spikes in his blood, felt it rolling over him again and again in waves with no end in sight, waves that crushed him down and drowned him, filling his lungs with water and making it impossible to breathe. He remembers being incapable of anything at all for weeks after that phone call, remembers the unbearable sadness and hopelessness that filled his every fiber and turned a morning shower into a difficulty. And he also remembers that it never truly left, that the hole in his chest was never really filled, not with the new apartment without the memories covering every piece of furniture, with the new job that would bring in more money, with the new dog although he already had three and the many dates with many faces he always knew he'd forget.

The year has passed and Frank is smiling at Gerard as they sip their coffees with the table between them, the room filled with cluttering and chatter from other customers, and he nods politely and comments when appropriate as he's told about what's new and how awesome it all is, keeps it all inside again like he always will, and they spend an hour saying nothing at all, the worst part Gerard being genuine about it, being genuinely happy, and Frank hates himself for how much that hurts him. 

"So much has changed, hasn't it?" Gerard finds himself asking at some point, head shaking fondly, "I mean, everything is so different all of a sudden, you know? It's like a completely different life," he says and Frank wants to stab him with his fork he's still holding although he's already finished his piece of cake, but just smiles and nods. "Like, do you even remember what it was like before?"

Frank remembers. He remembers everything.

"Cause I don't, to be honest. God, a year can change so much."

I told you so, Frank thinks. I told you it would change everything.

 


End file.
